I’ve been wanting to die for a long time now.
Not that I am confessing of having suicidal thoughts — I’m not. Neither do I think those thoughts.
However, one need not look very far to see how messed up our world is. And it would not serve anyone by turning a blind eye to our world’s grotesqueries. It wouldn’t do good at all to post photos of good food on social media if it will insulate the majority from seeing how many acres of tree-covered land are being cleared every year just to make more space for farming and grazing.
If you haven’t seen National Geographic’s photo of an upturned plastic bag which resembles an iceberg, then I ask you to look at it one more time and cringe at what our world has become.
It would be very unhelpful if we continue to laugh endlessly if the laughter will drown out the voices of those screaming for help.
And, for Christians, especially for the leaders, it would be plain defiance by sheltering our church members from the harsh realities of life and focus on sugar-coating messages for fear that they would walk away and the donations would stop.
So I’m starting with myself.
I am telling you that all the fame, money, wealth, and all the glittering things of this world will not make you truly happy. Nothing, aside from being with God ever will.
That is why I would like for God’s kingdom to come. Of course, I care about many things. I want to get married. I want to visit many places. I want to eat good food without looking at the price. However, I know full well that they will not give me the happiness that compares with being in the new world that God promises to make.
Neither should you.
I am reminded of the song You Hold Me Now by Hillsong. The song reminds me of how happy it would be once our life here on earth is over. Streets of gold, death of death, end of pain and weeping, and no more suffering — how happy would that be? We need not go to work anymore, and we will finally get to experience real justice and genuine and perfect love.
Shouldn’t that be the things — the only things — that would make us truly happy?
I called myself a Christian since birth, but I surrendered the control my life to my King for only about a decade now. And the Bible was right; unless a kernel falls to the ground and dies, it will not yield a bountiful of harvest.
I remember those people I prayed for, served for, loved for the Lord. A considerable number of them, I see going back to their old lives. No matter. What I am weeping for joy now are those who display a warmer fire in living for God than mine’s. Not that I could credit it to myself; God is the only reason why they turned out to be like that.
But just like a retiree who’s passing the baton to the new frontrunners, I am glad, dying even, to vanish from the limelight and let them take over. They are the reason why I could say, even pray to God, for him to take me now. To hold me in his everlasting arms and to not let me go any longer. To be selfish enough to take me to himself and never give me back to this flawed world.
I’ve been wanting to die for a long time now. But I write today disappointed because he just wouldn’t grant my desire. Maybe he wants me to do more. Maybe less. And if he is taking his time, then I will take whatever time I have left to do what I must, whatever that may be.
Maybe, this just might be it.