My dear Zhe Nah Reyes,
By the time you read this, I would already be roaming the streets of Thailand with my friend Arinya. And I want you to know that this choice I’ve made is the easiest one so far.
I am a very indecisive person most of the time. You don’t ask me of which food I’d like to eat, or which place I’d like to visit, without me zoning out and stuttering in reply. I always think twice or thrice before I decide to do something. I always doubt myself: whether I’ve made the correct judgment, whether I’ve offended another person with my remarks, whether it’s January 29 today or not. Heck, I even reread my sentences at least three times just to see if I made a mistake with my prepositions again.
This self-doubt has preserved my life in a multitude of ways. It has taught me to always listen, to always strive to see things from another perspective. But it has also damaged my trust in myself in more ways than I care to admit.
But I want you to know that my decision to go straight to where you are the moment I perceived the opportunity to do so has been the surest one I’ve made all my life. I knew the best place for me is always by your side. Always.
I know how to deny or delay the gratification of my wants for the sake of others. You know that. But I confess that the reason I am going to you is mostly out of selfishness. I want things to be clear first before you embrace me with sure arms at the airport: I am going to where you are because I am thinking of my own self more than yours.
I am selfish of your love, and I want your love to be spent all for me. I miss the security and tenderness I feel whenever I hold your hands. I miss surrendering to your gentle voice whenever you call my name. I miss comforting you with my crude counsel whenever you feel like others are taking advantage of your kindness. How dare they try to overwork you just because they know you would never complain. I miss going out with you and complaining about how you spend so much time in the mall. To be honest, I am just distracted by the traffic of people, but please, take me to the mall, or to the beach, as it’s what I need to save me from drowning in my thoughts.
I miss the feeling of you looking up to me. I doubt myself so much I feel like a loser, but you amaze me with how you think it possible for me to achieve dreamy things.
I need to spend more time with you, as I am still learning how to lead you more as a real gentleman should. I need you to teach me gentleness and trust, and to believe in myself as much as you do.
Above all, I need to fulfill my non-negotiable obligation: to make you fall in love more not with me, but with the One who loves you infinitely more. With the One who holds the stars in his hands, and you, ever so dearly in his heart.
You came to know me as a person who dreams big. But I think time, circumstances, and you, have all changed that. I don’t need to dream anymore, as God has already unraveled Himself in his weight and beauty through you.
Yes, He came definitely through Jesus, but He also came through you, albeit indefinitely and tenderly. I know that much now.
If my life could be a movie, then ours is my favorite story, and you, the only one I’d dream of having as my leading lady.
I am coming to you. Not with a boisterous marching band, or to the tune of lilies (not yet), but with meek fidelity and undying sincerity. I am coming to you, as a person who’s still learning to love, but loving you to the best of my knowledge. I am coming to you, with tears of joy and courageous prayer.
Yours, only yours,
Jesus Dawal Jr.